No Worries...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

(Taken from my friend Dulith Herath's webpage <http://sac.uky.edu/~dvhera0/>... thanks Dulith!!)

POLITICAL FIGURES:

Chandrika Kumaratunga:
It was a result of the 17 years rule of the UNP. I will appoint a commission to look into that
matter.

Ranil Whickramasighe:
The UNP as a national party will oppose any such move by any chicke to cross road. We will hold a
Satyagraha, and file a violation of fundamental rights case in the supreme courts!!!

G.L.Peris:
The chicken did'nt actually cross the road. I cn prove this to you By using the statistics
released by he Central Bank. There have been such instances in other developing countries as well
..... This shows very good economic growth.

C.V.Goonarathne:
The chicken crossed the road to end the 17 year old curse of bribery, corruption, and terror...
Upon reaching the other side of the road, the chicken will ensure a new era of prosperity... and a
real difference.

Mangala Samaraweera:
There aren't any chicken crossing any roads. It is a deliberate lie woven by the United National
Party to defame the government of her excellency Chandrika B.Kumaratunga.

Anurudha Ratwatte:
The road will be crossed within a matter of months. (after four years): The chicken has crossed
96% of the road, the restt will br crossed within a couple of months.

Anura Bandaranayake:
The chicken crossed the road so that it could be in the opposition.

M.H.M.Asraff:
Ask the chicken to come back immediately. Otherwise we will withdraw all suppor to any chicken....

SPORTS PERSONALITIES:

Arjuna Ranatunga:
Actually, I thought that it was a pretty good road to cross.... so I thought of inviting the
chicken to cross.. I think we'd have a Better chance chasing it... that's what the boys like to
do.

Sanath Jayasuriya:
Err.... yes. The road was coming to the chicke ... So I just though I will go there and start
crossing ...Yes, I enjoyed crossing the road. Yes. Thank you.

Romesh Kaluwitharana:
Arrr yes, Ijust did my usual thing ... Yes, It was a very good road to cross. I enjoyed it. Yes
Thanks. Yes. thank you.

Aravinda De Silva:
Well, I thought that it was a very good road to cross. The road Came to the chicken fairly
well..and the raod was turning a bit as well.. I just went there and concentraed on crossing the
road... I enjoyed crossing it. I thought that the boys helped me a lot too.... I couldn't have
crossed the road without them.....

Muralitharan Muttiah
Yes, it was a turning road..... I think it helped the chicken a lot I enjoyed crossing the
chicken...

Tony Greig:
Oh, these Sri Lankan chicken.... these guys are marvelous... these chicken from Sri Lanka.... I
love to see them crossing the road... they are so full of enthusiam & energy... They are the best.

Seen and Heard...

Notice in barber's shop:
Haircut for Rs 8.00, Children for Rs 5.00

Sign on a famous beauty parlour window:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your grandmother.

IRS slogan:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Sure Signs You're Taking It All Too Seriously

(Malli, thanks for the forward!!)

You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

You decide to re-organise your family into a "team-based organisation."

You refer to dating as test marketing.

You can spell "paradigm." You actually know what a paradigm is.

You understand your airline's fare structure.

You write executive summaries on your love letters.

Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don't know.

You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line".

You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."

You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."

You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.

You give constructive feedback to your dog.

BTW: Over 90% of the above points are applicable and acurately describe my future systems consultant/ management consultant/ investment banker College buddies. And we are damn proud of it too!!!

The Minutes of a Macalester MASECA (Macalester Association for Sub-continental Ethnic and Cultural Awareness) Meeting

(Thanks Vivek)

Hey you all,

Two big things are coming up:

1) A movie (probably "Fire") will be shown on the 1st weekend after break.

2) MASECA is making a movie!!! Basically, it will be a Hindi movie parody. It will be produced with on campus organization BPS and will be shown on Channel 6.
Here are the details:

Producers & Directors: Mr. Diwakar Thapa, Nathan & Vivek.

Script: Ashif, Vivek, Diwakar, Nathan, Sheeba, Faith and anyone else interested.

Music and Sounds: Shamir

Camera etc: Lym-Sung, anyone else?

Cast/Roles (some of these were "volunteered" in the spirit of MASECA):

Usman Waheed = Villain }:/

Ashif Rahman = Amitabh B. = Villain's Sidekick

Hero = Nayeem Ahmed (body double Hamza)

Hero's Mother = Nani Ma

Hero's Mother's Sister = Mukta

Hero's Father = Hamza

Hero's Father's Buissbess Partner = Jason Rhea

Heroine = Nushki :) (with co stars/body doubles Sheeba + Swati)

Heroine's Mother = Prasanti

Heroine's Father = DJ!!!

Guy Who is a British Born Expatriate Who is Madly in Love with Nushki = Anurag

The above's Tanzanian Born Sidekick (and trained pet chimp!) = Shamir

The Guy's Girlfriend = Ankita

Random Pimp 1: Vivek

Random Pimp 2: Lym-Sung

Driver = Ambar

Politician = Gautum

Guest Star and maybe Narrator = Sukhatme

Everyone else: Extras!

We stopped the meeting after a while, and are missing roles etc. for some folk: Brandi, Hiam, Diya, Diksha, Liz, Shruti, Tasneem, Dechen, Tayaab!, anyone else I
am forgetting? So make sure to be at the next meeting so that we can get started on the movie!

~ Vivek

From Mary Louise Gilman's Books on Court Room Blunders...

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronounciate his words.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral

 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

(Thanks for the forward Jeya!)

* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate  machinery.

* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.


E-mail: Dimuth Jayawardhane - [email protected]